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February 29 2012 4 29 /02 /February /2012 08:04

Rules For Driving In South Africa

 

1. Never indicate - it gives away your next move. A real south African

driver never uses indicators.

 

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and

the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and

a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

 

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of

getting hit.

 

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it

and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

 

5. Braking should be as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS

kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal

pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

 

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way

to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

 

7. Speed limits are arbitrary, given only as a guideline. They are

especially NOT applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's

called 'rush hour....'

 

8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or

move over doesn't mean that the South African driver flashing his high

beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

 

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone

changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

 

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed

slalom driver thanks to the government, placing holes in key locations to

test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

 

11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant

the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of

the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.

 

12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there

first, by whatever means necessary.

 

13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection

after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic

principle that cause the big traffic jams during rush hour.

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February 20 2012 2 20 /02 /February /2012 11:58

Vim works try it 00000% guaranteed
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February 16 2012 5 16 /02 /February /2012 13:51

Journalist: So, Julius, we hear you are a bread winner in the Malema family!

JuJu: You see! people like saying all these sorts of things about me and its fine. Anyone who claims that I'm a bread winner must come forward with evidence and prove to the people that indeed, I entered a bread competition. According to my knowledge, I have never entered any bread competition. Bring the evidence - I'm not afraid!!!

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October 16 2011 1 16 /10 /October /2011 20:22

this is what is banging on my sterio 

 

Home » Recommendations

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Music Recommended by Last.fm

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July 28 2011 5 28 /07 /July /2011 14:17
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April 15 2011 6 15 /04 /April /2011 14:43

Son: Mummy do you know that our maid is an Angel?

 

Mummy: Why do you say that?

 

Son: I saw her naked with her hands up on the wall screaming, "Oh God I'm

coming!"

If it was not for daddy that was holding her tight from behind, she would

have gone to heaven!

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April 7 2011 5 07 /04 /April /2011 12:58

Gezani (Man who makes caskets) was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down.
Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him:

"Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"
 
Gezani said, "I do not like where I was buried, so I am relocating".
 
 
The Policemen ran for their life.............. www.gcobani.co.cc/

 

 

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March 23 2011 4 23 /03 /March /2011 14:31

Wedding Vows by Open Priest

 

 

We are gathered here in the presence of God and men to join these people in holy matrimony. We know they have been sleeping together in secret but now they can do it with the knowledge of everyone.

And as marriage is holy, at least in theory, I put it forth that if there is anyone in this gathering who has a valid reason why these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone....

Is there anyone.....? C'mon, he must have slept with some of you?

Someone....? Anyone....? I know someone here has slept with her too?

Well, I guess they were all one night stands.

Moving on swiftly.

 

Mr. Groom, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded bride, to love to cherish and to hold, to listen to her whining
halfway through the night, always suck up to her father, to always lose an argument or else..., to give all your pay without reservations, to be the worker while she is the minister of finance, to ignore your relatives while taking care of hers, to listen to unending lies about her having a headache when you really need to release steam, put up with PMS...(sometimes faked)... till death do you part?

(I do.....!)

Very well. And do you Miss Bride, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love to cherish and to hold, to open your legs for whether tired, or not, whether willing or not. To cook for, clean up after, give up watching soaps and anything interesting when there is football, find the toilet seat up every time, clean pee off it, take care of kids alone, house his in laws,  bring beers  for his friends during any important game for all the days of your life?

(I do.....!)

Well then, there’s nothing more that I can say that will change your minds.

 

I pronounce you husband and wife.

 

What God has joined, let no man, neighbor, handsome workmate, barmaid, beer brand, ex's, in-laws, milkman, shamba-boy, wet dreams, driver or sexy secretary put asunder.

You may kiss the bride. www.gcobani.co.cc

 

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September 8 2010 4 08 /09 /September /2010 17:34

THE LITTLE BOY

 

A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have R1,000. His mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the R1,000.

 

When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to President Zuma. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy R20. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the R20 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows; "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through the government. As usual, those thieves deducted R980 for tax."

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September 7 2010 3 07 /09 /September /2010 17:29

Why coloureds can't be terrorists: by MARK LOTTERING 

 

- Ons is altyd laat. We would have missed all 4 flights. 

- We talk loud and would bring attention to ourselves. 

- Met free kos en cooldrink oppie plane, we'll sommer forget why we're there. 

- We praat with our hands, so we'll continually be putting the weapons down.

- We would ALL want to fly the freaking plane, ending in a fight with each other. 

- We'll sommer argue and start a fight in the terminal before we even get on the plane & one of us is bound to say out loud: 'Gaan kak man! Dan hijack jy die fokken plane alleen jou naai!!' 

- Ons kannie 'n secret hou nie. We would have told everyone a week before doing it, telling them:'Moet vir niemand se nie, ho!' 

- We would have insisted that the plane fly past Strandfontein Pavillion. 

- We would have all lined up to get our photograph taken by one of the hostages. 

- When we enter the cockpit, we would have used the intercom system for a karaoke session, with one outjie trying to sing 'I did it my way'And den make da circle beega……..

- We would first rob every one of their Ray-Bans, cellphones and gold teeth, just before we crash the plane.. 


- Our whole freaking family plus neighbors would have been at the airport to see us off, crying their eyes out, and your mother saying to the white ou next to her: 'I'm so proud of him. It's the first time he's hijacking a plane!

- We would have dressed like terrorists for our airport go-way clothes: balaclavas, jumpsuits, karate skoentjies, dark glasses, en 'n attitude. 

- Two of us would have forgotten our passports at home..

- Three of us would have overweight luggage. 

- All of us would have luggage. 

- We would have all wanted to watch the in-flight movie first. 

- Before we went into action, we would have all queued up at the toilet to first gel our hair. 

- We would have taken the plane for a joyride first, played the music at full blast and try to park the plane somewhere where the chicks could see us....
      

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